Statuspage2English
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20 hours ago •
neilthecellist
neilthecellist
What the status page says, turned into what it actually means
Corporate Survival Dictionary
| Status Page | English |
|---|---|
| Internal Server Error | Our exception handling is trash |
| Service is operating normally | We remain blissfully ignorant of your problem |
| We are aware of | Support is frantically paging engineering teams |
| A fix has been identified | The least-intoxicated engineer is typing on a keyboard |
| We have implemented a fix | git push --force didn't error out |
git rebase |
someone REALLY fucked up |
| We are monitoring | Pray for us and don't touch anything, the blinkenlights are back |
| Increase in ambient temperature | AWS |
| customers experienced failures when attempting to provision new resources | Microsoft Azure |
| We have deprecated | Google Cloud |
| Scheduled Maintenance | The security person "Found something" so we gotta do some patches and make them happy |
| Elevated Error Rates | We don't want to admit that outages exist at AWS |
| Increased API Error Rates | We don't call them Elevated Error Rates anymore because. |
| We have a plan | That will happen next year |
| We have a plan for a plan | It will never happen |
| That's a great question | I don't know the answer to that question |
| Let's take that offline | Shut up, I don't want to listen to you anymore in this meeting (also, I don't want to open this can of worms with management present) |
| Let's have a meeting | I don't type fast enough to send you a 2-sentence email, so we're going to waste 30 minutes having a meeting instead |
| We take security seriously | Every reasonable security measure has been taken, barring those that take time or cost money |
| We remain committed | We stopped putting development resources into this without calling it EOL (end of life) except for a Program Manager whose sole job is to eat it from very angry customers |
| Higher level outage | We're not really sure since we laid everyone off that was good at CenturyLink/Level 3 |
| LastPass outage | The outage has been ongoing for an hour, but we are just now acknowledging it |
| Full of opportunity | Shit is on fire |
| ORACLE | Old Rich Asshole Called Larry Ellison |
| Great company culture | Instead of paying proper market rate for your salary, have some company culture™ instead |
| Scheduled emergency downtime | Our lack of DevOps at the organization means you're getting a 15-minute heads-up that a business critical system will be taken offline in the middle of a busy work day |
| Scheduled emergency downtime | It's free chaos engineering, you should be more grateful we are doing this for you |
| IAM | The new DNS-like "gotcha" when troubleshooting AWS problems |
| Increase in ambient temperature | Building is on fire |
| Fast paced | Understaffed |
| Unlimited PTO | you'll be pressured to not ever take time off |
| like a family | toxic |
| competitive salary | do your research because we WILL lowball you |
| highly visible role | your manager won't give you air cover |
| we're looking for a rockstar | we want you to pretend that you love working our unreasonable hours |
| We're voted %% Best Workplace in FuckKnowsWhat Magazine | We will use this to justify underpaying you |
| wear many hats | this role is undefined |
| wear many hats | there's no labor budget, fuck you, you're working 4 different jobs for minimal pay and "equity" |
| work hard play hard | bro culture |
| high performance | work more than 40 hours |
| unlimited PTO | it's like normal PTO but without the administrative burden |
| unlimited PTO (alt definition) | fuck you you're never taking PTO |
| The effort to build the project is falling behind and is at risk of failure unless immediate steps are taken to correct the problems. | shits on fire yo |
| IBM | Intensive Bowel Movement |
vim |
swipe right |
nano |
swipe left |
| We do DevOps | We don't actually do DevOps |
| We offer DevOps services | We don't know what we are selling |
| Westrum Org Model | If I have to introduce this on a call, your org's culture probably sucks. Please stop pretending that you're a generative org. |
| We're a one of a kind MSP | We didn't do any competitive research when building out our Managed Services practice |
| We're a one of a kind MSP | We are in denial |
| Help me understand | I'm pissed off at how redundant this entire meeting has gone so far. Please get to the fucking point. |
| He's (she's/they're) a nice guy but... | they're a terrible resource to my current work objective and I'm going to shred them in conversation right now with you in the nicest way possible |
| Are you synergizing your actionables right now? | Are you working on real stuff, or just complaining and burning billable hours? |
| @everyone / @here / @all | I have no respect for your mental health |
| I'm glad we got your ducks in a row about that | that's a real game changer, and should lead to us cascading the relevant information to the reqiured stakeholders... Finally. It only took you hours of wasted billable time that you're never going to get back |
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What the status page says, turned into what it actually means