Figure out what kind of rules would be needed to improve these kids' essays

[suchow]

http://www.edweek.org/media/25common_2c.pdf

[suchow]

For example, here's one of the essays, written by a 6th grader to Adam Sandler, trying to convince him not to include depictions of smokers in his next film.

Dear Mr. Sandler, Did you know that every cigarette a person smokes takes seven minutes off their life? I mentioned this because I just watched the movie, Benchwarmers, and I noticed that Carlos smoked. Why did you feel the need to have one of the characters smoke? Did you think that would make him look cool? Did you think that would make him look older? It did neither of those things. As a matter of fact, I think it made him look stupid and not very cool. Especially when he put out a cigarette on his tongue. If I were producing a movie, I would want my characters to be strong, healthy and smart. I would not have any smokers in my movies for many reasons. The first reason is it sets a bad example for children. An estimated 450,000 Americans die each year from tobacco related disease. In fact, tobacco use causes many different types of cancers such as lung, throat, mouth, and tongue. Another reason not to promote smoking is it ages and wrinkles your skin. Who wants to look 75 if you are only 60? It turns your teeth yellow and may lead to gum disease and tooth decay. Lastly, smoking is a very expensive habit. A heavy smoker spends thousands of dollars a year on cigarettes. I can think of better things to spend money on. So Mr. Sandler, I urge you to take smoking out of all future movies you produce. Instead of having your characters smoke have them do healthy things. That will set a positive influence for children instead of poisoning their minds. Thanks for reading my letter. I hope you agree with my opinion.

Sincerely, __________

P.S. I love your Chanukah song.

Some feedback that a linter might give:

• Indentation should form roughly square-shaped whitespace.
• Agreement in number of "smoker" and "their".
• Don't set "Benchwarmers" is commas.
• "feel the need to" is presumptuous and cliché; delete it.
• "I think it made him..." is anecdotal and only supports the argument that it doesn't look cool insofar as the writer is typical of the movie's audience. It may be a reasonable assumption. Some acknowledgment or discussion of this is warranted.
• re "strong, healthy, and smart". Humans are move diverse than this and it's not obvious that movies should show only the positive side to humanity. Maybe you need to restrict your argument to characters that are portrayed positively.
• You mention that smoking sets a bad example for kids, but the next two sentences are unrelated to this and do not provide evidence in support of it.
• "An estimated" to "It's estimated that"
• "Who wants to" to "Who would want to"
• The author's ability to think of ways that they would prefer to spend money is not relevant. Did the author mean "There are better things to spend money on."?
• "poisoning their minds" is hyperbolic.
• "I hope you agree with my opinion" is filler.
• Delete the P.S., it weakens the message. Everyone loves that song.
• The movie is PG13. It's intended audience is relatively mature children and adults who have already been through some form of health education. Why were you watching this in 6th grade?
• Citation needed for the 450,000 figure.
• Signature typically goes below, not next to, the "Sincerely" line.

[suchow]

"As the story begins, we learn that Santiago has gone eighty-four days straight without catching a fish."

• "straight" can be deleted because in its absence it is implied.

[suchow]

"The bond includes building a new gymnasium, a new science room and lab, a new Media Center/Library, new Chapter 1 and Special Education classrooms, and other facilities such as more parking space, an increase in storage area, and new locker rooms."

to

"The bond provides money for constructing a new gymnasium, science lab, media center, library, Chapter 1 and special education classrooms, and other facilities, including parking spaces, storage areas, and locker rooms."

[alexyorke]

A new rule, that you could add (but is purely a style issue) is to vary the length of the sentences. So for example, in the essay each sentence is relatively short, and each one is the same size. But, varying the size of your sentences. Like this. Can make things...a bit more interesting.