• Pucker your lips and imitate a bugler playing Taps - Dick Flavin
• "Here's another you might not care for" - Ron Dentinger
• "That was a subliminal joke, you won't laugh, but your liminal thinks it's hilarious" - Anon
• Pretend to write in a journal and speak aloud, "Never do that joke again", then slam book - Anon
• "If silence is golden, that joke is worth abotu $40,000" - Alan Pease
• Think of a person who's very likable and has a sense of humor, and then say "That's the last time I ever do ______'s jokes" - Gant Laborde
• "Services for that joke will be held 2pm on Sunday" - Current Comedy Newsletter
• "It was nothing. You can tell by the applause." - Tom Ogden
• "Well, I've always been told that laughter is the best medicine. I guess that joke was more of a placebo." - chatGPT

• "Sorry I'm late. I circled the parking lot for an hour. There were plenty of parking saces, I was just scared to come in." - Current Comedy Newsletter
• "Don't pay the randsome! I've escaped!" - Ed McManus
• "Sorry I'm late the parking lot was full and it took me quite a while to sell my car" - Terry Paulson
• "My sundial needs new batteries" - Deanna Jean Brown

• "Looks like we've got a little glitch in the system. I guess that's what I get for using technology from the 90s." - chatGPT
• "Well that's one way to make an exit" - Gant Laborde
• "The rest of my presentation will be done via interpretive dance" - Anon
• Use the talk to justify the situation, if you're talking about how hard it is to do things in production say "This is a prime example" - Swyx
• Utilize the competition in humorous blame, "I guess the computer must prefer ________" - Kent C. Dodds based on a Barney Fife joke

• "To help you, the rest of my speech will be dubbed in English" - Terry Paulson
• "Well I guess I hit the stumble button" - chatGPT
• "For a moment there, I thought I was at the Dentist" - Gant Laborde
• "Wow I seem to be rejecting this tongue transplant" - John Nisbet

• "All that money spent on breakdancing wasted!" - Gant Laborde
• "Tah Dah!" and put your hands in the air as if planned - Terry Paulson
• "Did you notice the world 'graceful' wasn't in my introduction?" - Terry Braverman
• "OK, who planted the banana peel?" - Anon
• "Hey, it's an acquired skill" - Bob Burg
• "That's a strange place to put a speedbump" - Current Comedy Newsletter
• "I could have sworn I fixed that" - Anon
• "You'll have to forgive me, I haven't been myself today... I know some people are hoping I'll stay that way" - Leonard Ryzman

• "I had a friend who died from a sneeze like that, of course, he was standing in his neighbor's closet" - Charles Jarvis
• when an audience member makes a fowl sound, "Is that accident or opinion?" - Alan Pease
• audience members argue or talk loudly - "I think the party you're looking for is down the hall" - W Mitchell
• microphone feedback, someone coughs loudly etc. just look disgruntled and say "critics!" - Gant Laborde
• loud conversation - "Oh good another speaker, I thought I was gonna have to do this alone" - Ron Dentinger
• "You have the right to remain silent!" - Jack Anderson
• lound noises from people - "Remember the days when alcoholics wanted to remain anonymous?" - Terry Brewer
• "I'm flattered, but please save your applause for the end." - chatGPT

• "My father always said, if you want a room of people to listen to you, start off with a quote from me... thanks Dad" - Gant Laborde
• "Last night I tried to eliminate anything in my speech that seemed in any way dull. So in conclusion..." - Terry Paulson
• "Good evening, everyone. I'm honored to be here tonight, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I got invited by mistake." - chatGPT
• After having some microphone issues, when verifying a microphone is live "I know a Polish guy who's a great sound engineer, I also know a czek one too, check one two" - Anon Joke - Gant Laborde used

• "It takes guts to do what this person is going to do. It also takes guts to be a an organ doner." - Anon
• "This next person just told me I have two faults. They think I'm bad at listening, and... something else." - Anon
• "Is everyone back from the break? If you're not back please raise your hand. (look around room) If you're a rebel don't raise your hand. (crowd laughs) If you have telekenisis raise my hand. (fight your hand raising) Well done!" - Gant Laborde

• "I need to go. They don't even know I left the hospital." - Gene Mitchener
• "I see we have run out of time before I have run out of things to say - that's what you get when your speaker is a manic expressive!" - Lilly Walters *Before I close and get my standing ovation..." - Mikki Williams

• When no one answers "Any questions? (silence) any second questions? - Allen Klein
• When you don't like the question "Please save all questions until I'm finished and well on my way home" - Current Comedy Newsletter
• "Someone asked me that same question last week, and I'm going to dodge it the same way I did last time" then move on - Garry Apple
• When you can't hear the question, "I used to have all the answers, now I don't even have the questions!" - Eileen Mason
• "They say you get smarter when you know what you don't know, so I must be turning into a genius!" - Lilly Walters
• "Hearing no questions, I guess that means my presentation was perfect!" - Gant Laborde
• "Does anyone have any questions? Oh I do!" raising your own hand and ask yourself a question - Barry Eigan
• "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Were you asking for my autograph?" - chatGPT

• In a cute manner, "Did you bring a note from home?" - Mikki Williams
• "About time you showed up, I was starting to think I was going to have to give the whole presentation myself." - chatGPT
• "Everyone in the room just sang a song, now it's your turn" - Jimmy Calano
• Obviouysly end a ficticious story that is meant for the later arriver "...And after I finished saving the bus full of orphans that's when president offered to make me King of the moon, which I humbly turned down. The End! Any questions?" - Gant Laborde
• "You have to clean the erasers after class" - Tom Antion
• "Oh great! I have to start all over again (sigh) Hi, my name is..." - Gene Mitchener

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the "hell" out of it.

Q: Why did the strawberry cry?
A: Her mom and dad were in a jam.

Q: What do you get when you boil your funny bone?
A: A laughing stock.

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May Flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims

Q: Why is "dark" spelled with a "K"?
A: You can't "c" in the dark.

Q: Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he ever met?
A: He couldn't resistor. WAT!? That joke hertz

Q: Why did the dog bowl always come in last?
A: He was lapped.

Q: How did the hacker escape the police?
A: He ransomware

Q: What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?
A: Ian

Q: What's the opposite of lady fingers?
A: Mentos

Q: What happens when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
A: ...

Q: Why can't the green pepper practice archery?
A: Because he doesn't habanero.

Q: What do you call a nosey pepper?
A: Jalepino business

Q: What do Europeans call bigfoot?
A: Bigmeter

Q: Where do take someone injured in a "peekaboo" accident?
A: The ICU

Q: Where do bad rainbows go?
A: To prism.

Q: What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
A: Sir Render.

Q: Why are there always POP tarts but never MOM tarts?
A: Because of the pastryarchy.

Q: What sound does a 747 make when it lands?
A: Boeing. Boeing. Boeing.

Q: How do 37 mathematicians ride on a bus with 36 seats?
A: They carry the 1.

Q: They’re currently excavating the largest known dinosaur tibia to date.
A: It's a real shindig.

Q: I told a joke in a zoom meeting and no one laughed. A: Turns out I'm not remotely funny.

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What do you call a line of people waiting for haircuts?
A: A barberqueue.

• I've been told some people don't like my cheesey jokes, I guess they are "LAUGH"tose intolerant.
• My sweater was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it for another one free of charge.
• Brain transplants don't work, you can't change my mind.
• It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, thin, fat, rich, poor. At the end of the day, it’s night.
• I broke my 1 meter ruler and I'm really upset. They don't make them any longer.
• I feel like we're automating too much these days. All in favor say "AI".
• My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it. Nice guy, he finds bugs in web design.
• The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune. The Chick Peas can only hummus one.
• I haven't spoken to _________ in over a year... I didn't want to interrupt.
• People who sell meat are gross, but people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
• You're born with 4 knees, but as you grow up two of them become adult knees.
• To the person who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now!
• There's no such thing as training to be a trash collector... you just pick it up as you go along.
• I used to be poor and young, but after the past 20yrs I'm no longer young
• I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
• I have a fear of overly intricate buildings. I have a complex complex complex.
• Due to a noise complaint in Hawaii, you’re not allowed to laugh OVER a certain decibel. Now you can only use a low ha
• I bought a dog from a blacksmith. 5 minutes after we got home the dog made a bolt for the door.
• I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won’t be spoken to in that tone.
• I have a fear of speedbumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
• I have a fear of elevators but I'm taking steps to avoid them.
• Prison walls are never built to scale.
• I have a friend who always skips a letter in the alphabet and never says "Y"
• My boss asked me why I only get sick on week days. I said "I don't know. It must be my weekend immune system."