Control + click does not work on [my] mac

[jdunk]

Is this supposed to work on macs? I only have one to test with at the moment, and it does not work. Holding ctrl and clicking gives me the context menu, as if I had "right" clicked. I also tried the alt/option key and command key. None of them did anything (except the aforementioned context menu from the control + click). There is no middle click on mac either. Strangely, my google-fu is unable to find a single person who has asked about this yet.